Good morning Mr, O'Brien, my fellow students, and Shaun O'Malley [See footnote.]. I am here to speak with you today about a topic of great significance to me, to you, and to the world. My friends, the time has come for our people to rally together. The time has come for us to show our true American spirit. The time has come, good people, for war with Greenland.
I first became aware of this evil empire in first grade. I had to learn all the countries of North America on a map. The United States (drawing a flat round oblong shape on the blackboard), Canada (drawing another "country" above the first), Mexico (drawing a diagonal oval below the first), and Greenland (drawing an oval to the northeast of Canada). Nothing seemed odd to me then.
But as years passed, although my awareness of Greenland's existence never faded, I became increasingly conscious of the silence surrounding it. Any newspaper on any given day has at least one story about Canada or Mexico - and why not? They are our neighbors, and in a continent with only four countries, it is only natural that when an event of importance occurs in one of them, the others should be aware of it.
But when was the last time you read anything about Greenland? A country of that size and proximity to ours should be somewhat in our consciousness, no? There was not even a Greenlandic representative at the North American Free Trade Agreement talks.
Are we to allow a country of such intense shadiness to go unchecked? What if the Greenlandians are building weapons of mass destruction, the likes of which cannot be imagined in normal society? What if the country is governed by something totally apart from humanity?
Let us also not forget the resources offered to us by Greenland. They have ice - more ice than we could ever use. Have you ever had warm soda? Then you know why the time has come for us to fight.
Now is the time for action. I am reminded in this high hour of a classic episode of Full House in which Joey buys a new car, which he loves dearly. When one day he goes out to buy some paint for a small scratch, Stephanie sits in the front seat. Believing that moving the gearshift to R will turn on the radio, when in fact it puts the car in reverse, she drives the car through the Tanners' kitchen window. Then it went to a commercial break and I stopped watching it because Full House sucks.
My point is this: The United States must be like Stephanie Tanner, ruthlessly smashing Greenland. Our geographical position sets us up perfectly to take a cue from our friend Shaun O'Malley[again, refer to footnote], and attack them from the rear. Why should we hesitate?
I realize that I may have certain opponents who scorn the urgency of my proposition. Some say that war with Greenland makes no sense at all, as it is a sparsely populated province of Denmark. Some point out that we have the equipment here to make all the ice we need. I have only one thing to say to such naysayers: GO BACK TO GREENLAND.
As I draw to a close, I urge you, my friends: put aside your differences. Let us not be divided by petty squabbles. Let us rather unite, to conquer the one true enemy: Greenland.
Notes
Shaun O'Malley - Philadelphia resident and student who had gained some notoriety at the time of writing within my high school for having recently engaged in an act of sodomy with a girl. Hope that clears it up.